Ryan and Christy's Place

Today was beautiful. The perfect pre-fall day, the sky fading from blue to pink to black, a breeze signaling the changing of the leaves, the turning of a season, changing times.

I stood outside today and breathed in. I felt the air moving around me. Soon, I'll be back, I thought. Away from this half-life.

I don't see as much as I used to. I feel like I missed the spring, the summer. I'm afraid I'll miss the fall. Ryan's stuck on his base, with his commitments, and I also have mine. The computer traps me. I sit by it. I stare at it. I wait for him. I don't want to do anything but wait for him. But at the same time, I resent us being trapped by this.

I resent missing life. Wishing my life away. I'm angry, and I'm mad, and so close to him coming home -- I'm bitter. The bitterness is overcoming me. I can barely push it back down my throat to allow what I know my heart really feels -- joy, relief and happiness that he's coming home -- to come through..

"It's almost over." "Not much left to go." "You have such happy times coming up now!"

I know this. Yet when I hear these words, I still taste the bitter in the back of my throat. Yes, but I'm mad, I think. I'm mad we've had to lead this half-life for 18 months. Nobody can try to talk me out of it. Nobody's kind words or reasoning or rational words will do. I know they're right.

What a stupid time to be angry, I'm telling myself now, sitting and staring at the computer screen. You silly, ungrateful girl.

The computer stares back at me, quiet. Its cursor blinks. All I can do is pull up a chair and turn my back on everything else.

I can't wait for Ryan and me to be "us" again. This isn't me. These feeling of anger are not feelings I usually have. I feel stupid, really, to complain. But there it is. I'm going to work on trying to turn more of my worries over to God so I can find a little more peace.

-- Christy