Ryan and Christy's Place

Yesterday, I turned 23. And I really, really missed my husband.

Remember those papers you had to write in middle school or high school, where the question was something like, "What do you think you'll be doing in 10 years?"

Well, when I was 13, I bet I said I wanted a husband. And a good job, and a nice place to live. I couldn't even imagine 23. Really, who can at that age? I most certainly did not put this on my paper:

"When I am 23, I want to be in a new city without my family. I want to have a job I love, and good friends there, and luckily, that will help sustain me. But really, what I want most of all, is to be married. I want my husband to be at war, and I want to worry about him every, single day. I want, in fact, to sit alone in my apartment on my 23rd birthday, all dressed up but LATE for a party my friends are throwing me, hair done, makeup done, clutching my purse, but afraid to leave the apartment for fear I'd miss talking to him on the computer."

Yeah, what they don't tell you when you're 13 is that, while you may have things you love and be grateful for them, that life will most definitely throw you a curveball. I don't want to throw myself a pity party here. I do believe with ALL my heart that I am incredibly blessed. I have a husband I love with all my heart, a job that's great, great friends and family, and I'm healthy. I really do feel blessed by God -- there's just that pesky matter of the deployment.

When I was sitting on the couch yesterday, late for my party, holding my purse, I thought, "My mom would probably cry if she saw me sitting here like this." I remember on Thanksgiving, she came to visit me so I wouldn't be all alone, and she fixed me pumpkin pie and I cried, right there in the whipped cream, because I missed Ryan, and she said she'd never look at pumpkin pie the same way again.

I was glad she couldn't see me yesterday. A 23-year-old, looking ready for a party on the outside, but crying into my pumpkin pie on the inside. Silently begging the computer to make that "cha-ching!" noise that indicates when Ryan is online. Knowing my friends were waiting for me -- patiently, and they understood, because they are great -- but feeling torn in two. I guess that's life for you. Guilty feelings.

I even feel guilty typing about it. I hate the "Oh, poor me" mentality. I try to stay positive, because I really think your attitude is what shapes your reality. I learned that way back when, maybe when I was 13.

Maybe 13-year-olds just have a bit of wisdom deep in their souls. A positive outlook on life; the feeling that they're invincible, that the future's wide open. I'm way past feeling invincible, but it's nice to think back to my 13-year-old self and tell her, "Yes, you'll have what you most hope for. It'll just be a little different. But that's OK, because you'll have it, and you'll be loved."

-- Christy