I Dream of Genie
As I read through fellow blogger Ryan Seals’ log, there was a statement that I saw that made me take a moment to ponder some of my own thoughts. Something about his comments that resounded deep within my own mind that I thought should be expounded on. He wrote, “My heart is in the United States, but I still feel as if my mind wants to wander back to Iraq.”
After the war my mind would often wander back to Iraq while I was at my home in Ft. Benning waiting for the orders that would say I would be coming back and then preparing for the deployment when we had those orders. It was in my gut that I had gone home but I had not completed my job. I knew that I would be coming back to Iraq, and I knew it would be soon. Soon enough in the time line of a person’s life, anyway. I didn’t feel lucky to have gone through a war, survived and to be home. Yes, I wanted to be with my wife and see my children grow up and enjoy the simple things of life. I went on a cruise with my wife to the Caribbean and enjoyed myself. I got to take my girls to Disney World two years in a row. But inside, I felt that I had abandoned my post. I felt that I didn’t belong at home to enjoy things while my fellow soldiers were enduring hardships over here. I know that there will always be a rotation of forces, and when my break is over, I’ll be right back here.
In some strange (some say warped) way, I like it here. I have been deployed to the Middle East a handful of times. I always wished that I could have been stationed in Camp Doha, Kuwait when it was still a newer base. There is something about this area that is alluring to me … almost like a biblical calling. They say that this area is the cradle of civilization … but I have seen that there are many people here who have yet to leave the cradle. Yet, I would never want to put my family through living in a place like this.
I know that some of the feelings about not having completed my mission will still exist when I get back home again. I don’t feel like we are going to achieve any new military goals in this place, so why would I want to come back? I guess because I still have such a dedication to perform the duty for my country, even though I don’t believe in the cost it will take to achieve the results. Even with all the acknowledgement of knowing that I can’t make a difference alone, it is hard for me to still be at home when there is so much happening somewhere else. It’s not like the statement home is where you hang you hat. We have spent a year here, making improvements, eating our chow, sharing in conversations and doing our jobs here. Our tents, rooms, huts or buildings have become our homes. We have all created our personal spaces and bought comfort items to make life more enjoyable and give it some normality. When we pick up and move, there will be a bit of this place that will leave with us and be with us forever. Just like Camp Doha was for me during deployments to Kuwait. In 1992, it was a new base and for about 6 months, the soldiers I was here with were its security and it was our home. On deployments thereafter, when I would go to Camp Doha with soldiers who had never been there before, I would lead them around like a tour guide to get to where we were going. I could remember its roads and its buildings and it was like returning to an old friends’ house. That is now a memory, as Camp Doha is now closed.
Unfortunately, that attachment to the past is one of the reasons that I say that everyone who has been here probably has some sort of “PTSD”. It’s not necessarily bad, but it is a sign that we have an attachment to the place we served in.
On a lighter note, it has been a joke around here that I am not the commander’s or 1SG’s PSD (Personal Security Detachment) but that I am his PtSD.